Sunday

The day of relaxation. Ha!  I am having anger feelings for my mother right now. In the past I haven’t really dealt with them right so instead of calling and telling her what a dumb ass she is I thought I would just write until I am not mad anymore. Then go work out.

She is such a fake. Maybe I don’t like fake people so much because of her. I trust noone because of her. I have a million dollar therapy bill because of her. She asks my sister why am I so sensitive now I never used to be… well, mother the answer to that question is because I was drunk,…. for ten years.. I didn’t feel a thing…

After all you put me and my sisters through you are still going to start drama crap. You are un real. You just called and talked to me about how Danna said you a phony because you are living with Carl. Well, that is not the reason you are a phony. You are a phony because you try to act like this phenominal person when you have an evil soul. Just because you do nice things, like feed the homeless does not give you a pass to be mean to other people such as Carl or me.

Don’t act like you know me. YOU DON’T You haven’t seen me since I was 14 for more than 5 days at a time- you have maybe seen me twice a year MAX since then. I know you don’t want to remember that you were a shitty parent but you were and still continue to be.

I really wish that I could just stop thinking about you. But you have hurt me and made my life difficult. I can tell you that GOD is not going to judge you 0n who you are living with and why he will judge on your soul.

American Dream

What is so wrong with me? I mind my own business ( most of the time ). I am just trying to live my life and I am so sorry I needed help along the way! It’s kind of hard being on your own since you are 9. Jees. Give me a break. I did have great “foster parents” but I was used to doing what I wanted to do and I didn’t really know how to act in a family so I am sure they were challenged with me! But they kept me.

I am just trying to be the best that I can be, I work 2 or 3 jobs at time. trying to go to school and care about people……

 

 

Back to never being able to say the right stuff…..

 

I told one of my close friends (P) that her best friend (A) was talking about her.  I am not really friends with A , but should I have said that? It’s kind of high school but P was hurting and I just thought it was time for her to  move on and not put too much more in this relationship with A.   A did say this stuff, but maybe she didn’t mean it? I don’t know, but she has always said stuff.  

Well, I said it and I can’t take it back. I always see the worst in people. I always wonder what they are up too.   Do I have trust issues?  HMMMMM. I am not super smart but I think I know the answer to this one.

Emotional

Over loaded with emotions. I hate that. I really do. Why can’t I just say eff it?

I get the “you’re too sensitive?”  well, I am so fricken sorry for caring and being sensitive. Good lord. I really don’t understand why people just say anything they want to me. I may be overweight but I still have feelings.

I am still kind of upset by MSO. Those emails really hurt. I mean I did everything I could possibly do for her to make her stay as comfortable as possible because I knew she was kind of depressed. This is how she wants to do me? Well, I guess that is all I can say about it.

I would love to be able to talk about it with my mom but I know how that will go. Take MSO’s side immediately.

What do you do though? Should I respond with how I feel?  I am so done with people just saying whatever they want to me.

It’s hard to get truly upset with the people in my fam. I know each of them went through a hard time growing up and in life in general. It is hard to deal with. Especially, since you only get one chance at this thing called life.

I feel like I can’t do anything right. I can’t say the right thing or do anything right. I know that I made some mistakes. Most of them hurting me, there is one mistake that I regret that hurt someone else and my relationship with ARO. We are better now, but not the same. I could chalk it up to us both being super busy. I know it’s probably not.

MSO sent me an email today after, I had emailed her a favor to help me clean carpets. She got really mad. I really don’t understand it. I said I would pay her back and if she couldn’t do it, it was ok and I understood. A simple no would have sufficed but instead I get this email saying she can’t put her finger on why it upsets her but it just doesn’t sit well. She was maybe stressed about money? I don’t know, all she told me was she gets alot a of money a month and makes a lot  a year and the government. All she talks about is how much she makes and what she bought. I had no idea.

Does it not sit well because she wore her shoes inside the house and there is still a muddy foot print on the stairs that I need cleaned or the fact she never took her tennis shoes off and went in and out of the house. How about the fact that something leaked out her box and got my carpet beyond repair unless we replace it. Or the fact that the movers came in and out of the house with their shoes on. I am not saying the carpet was perfect or I was asking her to pay for the whole thing or any of it. It was a simple question and a simple no would have sufficed.   She then said she put $104 in the account to use for whatever and I said she could keep it but I knew it didn’t cover every thing, the kinect and the purses and stuff. Then I get this email; “Grow up, Katie. Stop trying to give me my stuff back OUT OF SPITE”

I just don’t get how that was out of spite? The previous email stated how strapped she was for cash. I was just trying to give it back? I don’t get it. I am so deeply hurt I can barely breathe.  I would have much rather been physically stabbed.

I wanted to help her out. I just didn’t expect this. I know she gave me things but I would much rather have a sister. I really thought I was putting effort into a relationship that was worth it.

Does she know how much I love her? Does she know she is the only one that made me feel like I had a family? Does she know I wanted to take care of her when I was 18? Yeah maybe it wasn’t a great idea looking back on it but I had a full time job and a car and if I had other people to care for I would have been in a different spot in my life? Maybe a child would have forced me “to get it together” sooner. I don’t know but I can’t look back too much or I get sick.

 

 

New Day

I am looking for some motivation this morning to work out and do school work.

I have 3 dogs right now and one of them just peed on the floor.AGAIN. I know I rescue them but they may need to be rescued from me soon. Speaking of that how can people be mean to these defenseless little things, I have 3 little ones right now that have been hideously abused. People who abuse  kids and animals do not deserve life. 

As I just typed this my mom text me. A whole flood of emotions come when I see those 3 letters. mom.  All she said was “is it still really hot there?” and I just text her “it’s raining.” I haven’t heard from her in at least a month and I only talked to her then because my sister was here and using my phone. The bottom line is everytime she says something, I don’t believe her.  I tried to have a mother daughter relationship but it didn’t work. I know she just wants to talk to me because I fill a hole when my sister leaves.  I fill a hole for a lot of people. I remember I had this person I used to hang out with everyday and we did stuff together all the time. She met her girlfriend and I haven’t heard from her since and that was 5 or 6 years ago. Some people say she is a jack ass, I was hurt. I know I can be exhausting but I can be helpful too. The whole reason we started hanging out so much in the first place was because she jus got out of a relationship and she was depressed.

She just called now. It’s so wierd how that happened as I am typing this. It was a good conversation. That is usually how it goes. Maybe I should limit a conversation once a month? I know it upsets my sister that we don’t talk.  On the other hand both of my sisters know that she treats me different.

I need to get some homework done. I get kind of mad at my mom when I have to do homework. I know it’s ridiculous. I need to get over that.  I think I could have been done with this school thing, if only she would have helped me with college when I was 18 instead of going against me. After living with her and her several boyfriends off and on I finally left when I was 15. I was super lucky and one of my teachers took me in. I stayed with her for a long time, I couldn’t even believe I was in a family. It was so wierd watching how they operated. Well, when I was done with High School , I went to the community college to register for classes. Then the meeting with the financial aid came along and  that is where it all went downhill, I needed my mom’s information. She would not give it to me at all, she wouldn’t give it to the financial aid girl. I was working but I didn’t not make enough to pay for classes. The financial aid actually told me the best way to get financial aid is to get pregnant. WHOA  WHAT?? Yep, that actually happened. My foster mom was with me and she got really mad, I had never heard her swear and that day she used them on that lady.  I was never a ward of the state since it wasn’t technically a foster home and at that time my mom did not want to let me go because she was keeping the measly child support that my real father was sending her even though I hadn’t lived with her for years.  It really was all about her so now, at 34, I am trying to get a degree after many attempts. So, how do I let go of that little slice of anger that I have towards her for this? Just get the degree.. she may have paused it but she didn’t stop it.

Here we go!

Well, I am blogging to help me and hopefully to get some inspiration.

I start many things and I feel like I never complete anything. I always have to stay super busy. I think it’s so I don’t have to think about anything. My main goal right now is to lose weight. I was offered $500, yes I said FIVE HUNDRED dollars to lose 50lbs. This is from a family member. You would think that would be enough motivation. I want to lose this weight by Nov 12th. My sister is getting married. I would like to look good in my pictures with the other bridesmaids. I would also like my neck line back. I really need to lose this weight. I heard a video today from a girl who had a lap band surgery and I relate to this that she said. “Food consumes my life. It will consume me until I get up and eat what I am thinking about.” It’s so true, I will be sitting on the couch or walking on the treadmill and I will get a craving. I cannot stop thinking about food until I satisfy my craving. I really need to stop that. I need help though. Hopefully, this will help!

Of course I have emotional baggage which makes me emotionally eat so I don’t have to think about it.

My overeating started when I was really young. 9 years old. My mom had been gone for two years and came back out of the blue. She took me away from the only home I have ever known. I found out the guy that was my “dad” really wasn’t my dad and she could just come take me and not my sisters. I left my dad and sisters and my home on the lake and moved into a one bedroom apartment with her. I remember her boyfriends would come. She would leave me home alone on weekends. When her boyfriend wanted “alone” time he gave me money to go to the store and not come back for a while. I walked down to the Tom Thumb and got either donuts or cherry pies. Sometimes I had friends because I could buy stuff for them and sometimes I just sat at the picnic table eating alone. That is when the food started filling the hole.

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